This Is The Most Public of My Many Humiliations

Saturday, July 31, 2004

gah, everywhere is look there are happy couples everywhere, puke me a river.
so lame, if you are walking and holding hands dont block where i am trying to walk.
or i swear to god i will red rover right through you loving grasp.
pride is in vancover tomorow. i cant wait. i found a place with wireless int. i am going to abuse the shit outta that IP.
ok so vancover is not the place i thought it was.
i had finnally begun to make some friends at my hostel. then i got kicked out.
and no one will talk to me on the phone, and i am beyond lonely.
bah, i am going to wonder the streets and shoot bitter looks at people.fucking people.
the girl at my new hostel is hot.
so is this shawna chick i met last night.
this 30 year old local kept kissing me last night. an i fucking feel really sick right now thinking about it.
i am never drinking like that again.

i want to put up pictures really bad but i cant cause well, i cant.
this site has been totally lacking since i left home. its cause i am updating using that email thing. its convient but sometimes i think it dont work.
o well.
better off bitter. less people talk to you that way,
my undercover bum site is going to kick some serious ass.
i need someone to take photos for me though. ill provide the cam, and my good looks. you provide the finger and eyes. thank you that is all.

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I couldn't get laid if I was an egg.
tonytheallnightpony

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Friday, July 30, 2004

the fake def people piss me off. And the heroine addicted babies make me
sick. Is this real?
tonytheallnightpony

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My game is so hurting. I couldn't pick up shit if I had a dog.
tonytheallnightpony

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This is a dedication to all the cigs I have put out when there is half
left.
I want you to know I am sorry and would give my right arm just to have
one of you at this moment. Sweet sweet nicotine I crave you more
then.....
I could go and buy some, but I like wishful thinking.

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Thursday, July 29, 2004

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When I got back into vancover yesterday I was so tired and lazy so I sat
across the street in the alley. I talked and audblogged crazy drunk
bums, and watched these guys graph for hours. They were bombing on this
huge wall. They are doing it for the city and are fully funded. They
sat there all day with me smoking joints and shooting the shit.
We were goofing off on the sky track thing-a-ma-bob.
Then when the finished up and left I began drinking with the queer new
zelander's. They were fun and good for a laugh.
They are rooming in a room with 8 people. One of them is this breath
taking german girl. Geezer is her name. hot lil german.
I was just sitting with a dude who works here and he is leon phelps.
'the ladies man' its uncanny. He doesn't see it but man it makes me
laugh. Everyone here is so nice to me cause I am travelling solo. I'm
mysterios to them. The all stop and talk 2 me when the pass by. Half of
them don't know my name. And I don't know ne of theirs.

tonytheallnightpony

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Going for a lay down= materbating so says my NZ . Friends. These 2
friends are like brother and sister. But they are both full on queer.
And the most entertaining people I have met so far rattie and richard.
I can't even begin to explain these 2 . I am going 2 do an aud blog of
richard

tonytheallnightpony

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Jenn just saved my ass 60 bucks that I negletfully left on the bar while
I was distracted. Thank you Jenn, and tammy.

tonytheallnightpony

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

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This couple I met on the ferry today were really nice. Listened to some
music, with them. good times. They were going to see his bro near the
PNE.
I thought to my self. CNE is way better then crappy ol PNE.
I got off the ferry in a grey hound. That's right I'm a high roller.
Rode the bus in the front seat to keep an I on the driver. Cause last
time I was on a bus like that the driver scared the shit outta me.
But this driver was cool. Bitter. But in an oldguy/cool way.
He made a special stop so I didn't have to bust my ass walking an extra
3 blocks. Hail to the bus driver totally aplies.
I'm so baked.
So off the bus I go. Make a B line directly to amsterdamn cafe where I
caved. So many people must go to the place upstairs and grab bud.
I met this mom and her kid today. They were puerto rician super cool and
bigtime pot heads.
They were a weed team or something like that.
I showed the kid he looked like a puerto rican nicky mawls the apartment
upstairs. While he was talking with the dude about the legal issues. I
went and smoked a j with his mom. She was funny shit. The kid came down
I sat with him I slipped back to my hostel.
To drop my bag. Came down stairs and talked to
jen and Bryce? They have
totally helped my ass out these past few days. Two very pleasent and
nice people, as well as the rest of the staff at this place. So if u are
ever stranded in BC goto the cambie. They'll hook u up nice.

tonytheallnightpony

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I talked to raymi today for the first time in a week. She had called me
last night but I had no signal. She told me how she had set shit
straight between me and her dad, that totally made my day. I love that
dude. And didn't want him to hate me for no reason at all.
Vancover island is amazing. I went to go and see my uncle John, and my
cousins steve, and tom. Tom is almost an identical twin of my bro
jonathan. I hadn't seen any of them in 6 years.
My uncle has a beautiful acre lot with a really nice house on it. We
stayed up late drinking beer, and talking about conspiricy theory's. He
trusts less people then I do.
And I only trust myself.
tonytheallnightpony

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Monday, July 26, 2004

Two blue birds on oposite shoulders, I wonder if they still remember
me.
Today I am going to goodwill and buying my 'bum' disguise so I can blend
in better here in this part of town. I want to chill with them and want
them not to rob me. I want to see the dirty side of the city without
being bugged for change every 10 feet. I used to be a crackhead so I
think I can still act like one. I want to get some crazy undercover bum
photos.... Comming soon undercoverbum.blogspot.com
tonytheallnightpony

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As far as I can tell as of right now. 2 06 am monday pt. I'm in a gay
bar. I was with a handful of korean dudes from my hostel and they wanted
more beer. I could hear beats blearing through a sewer drain so I
followed my ears. Running down the stairs straight to the bar for a
double vodka water. (Not caring that my asian friends didn't follow,
could they have know this was a gay bar and had not wanted to insult me
by telling me? Who knows?) I ordered and the bar tender gave me a gentle
wink. I was like 'hmmm his name tag says 56. That's a bit strange'
As gay as it might be. I don't care as long as they serve me till 4 am
I'm happy.
Some dude is trying to hit on me right now as I type this. Reading over
my shoulder, great start buddy. Hey if u can read this fuck off! ...
Woah that actually worked. Ok I m off to drink some more.
Not that there is ne thing wrong with that.
Why are all the hot chicks in here lesbian?
I'm gonna get slapped in the face tonite.

tonytheallnightpony

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Sunday, July 25, 2004

Yesterday I got a ash from my smoke directly on my eye ball. I was like
'ah shit ah shit!' I couldn't even see. I teared it outta my eye and
thought I was totally cool. Then while I was playing the old school
terminator 2 game today my eye totally started burnin once again I was
like 'ah shit ah shit'. So I now am afraid every time I ash something.
Today I went to some water park. I was totally surrounded by water. I
don't have internet acess on my laptop. So new pics yet.
"When a ladie walks up to me and says 'You know whats sexy?'. I say 'i
don't know what that is, but I bet I can add up all the change in your
purse real fast.'"


tonytheallnightpony

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thank you, kristi for your endless hospitality
gsusking

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this is the pic i popped my new cams cherry with, its a good one if i do say so myself
gsusking

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this is the view from my hostel window, quaint isnt it?
gsusking

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beautiful
gsusking

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this chick does not look to impressed buddy, take a hint
gsusking

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the cold and empty streets of vancover
gsusking

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bc hydro, always a good sign...
gsusking

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Saturday, July 24, 2004

cool story
gsusking

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went for sushi today, then hit English Bay beach, it was record setting hot yesterday. I loved it. I am really really stoned, and took a bunch of good pics today, here is one
gsusking

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So hot out today. Going to the beach but first sushi.
I have never swam in the pacific ocean before but today I will try it.
Spider rolls + miso soup= happy gsusking.

tonytheallnightpony

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-----Original Message-----
From: Angelo Servedio
To: hotstuff@fidohiptop.ca
Subject: Woah nelly
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 01:19:49 -0700

Woah nelly its my first night in vancover and have seen a couple amazing
bands fuck life rules
tonytheallnightpony
tonytheallnightpony

killed softly at 7/24/2004 04:27:00 AM

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Friday, July 23, 2004

killed softly at 7/23/2004 09:31:00 PM

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I'm such a tard, I have to keep posting everything on here cause I
brought a journal but no pen. I blew it on that one. I'm slowly gettin
wasted. Thinking about my fam and friends wonderin what they are doing.

tonytheallnightpony

killed softly at 7/23/2004 09:12:00 PM

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I am surrounded by herion users. You hear the storys about the slums of
east vancover. They are all real if not toned down a bit. The beer here
is cheep and that is always a good sign, I bought a camera today but
need to find a place to upload them to here. I have taken some breath
taking pictures and am really fucking stoked to put them up.
tonytheallnightpony

killed softly at 7/23/2004 09:03:00 PM

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Pre joint

I have been here for just over an hour and have checked into a hostel.
I walk around the corner and up a flight of stairs and score some pot
from a store. you buy it from stores here!
I walk back down and walk into the amsterdamn cafe and sit at a table
roll a j and smoke it. I don't think I will ever go home.
What time is it? Time to get high

Post joint
Well that was fucked. Talked to some strange american dudes that are all
fucked up from the green. They were retarded. Walk back to the hostel
realising that all my shit is in my room, with some random dude I
haven't even met yet.
I go and check he's not there nothin is disturbed. I am becoming super
paro.
Talking to the hostle chick totally snapped me back into reality.
A crack head walks in and the cambie dude almost punched her. It was
sweet. After I am done this beer I buy a camera.
The broken claw game is quaint. I want to play but there is no glass.
Must have been a fight here last night.
This place is a bit strange but it should all work out well.
Or is that just the beer talking?

Good day.

tonytheallnightpony

killed softly at 7/23/2004 03:28:00 PM

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I'm sittin in the airport right now waiting for my 8 am flight. I'm in
the new terminal and it is so fucking cool. I hate flying so so much.
This it the first time I have ever flown alone. I wonder if I can use my
lap top on the plane. I have 6 hour flight so I am going to get so
bored. I wish I had a larazapam so I could sleep on the flight.
The smoking room doesn't open till 11 am what's with that? I figured
most people like to smoke in the morning. Had coffee with some dude
from much music. Dont remember his name and didn't want to bruise his
ego by asking him. I'm going to hack a butt in the toilette hope fully I
don't get burned

killed softly at 7/23/2004 07:25:00 AM

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Thursday, July 22, 2004

yesterday, there were cops siting across the street from my house all day.
they were un-marked and poorly hidden.
i was just sitting on my front porch laughing, waiting for them to make a move. They didnt do ne thing, they just sat there doin their clickity-click, taking pictures, they tried to hide them wen they saw me comming.
the secret is with cops u just gotta be calm and cocky.
So me being the cocky fuck i am, i walked right up to their car, there were video cameras, and crazy cameras with telephoto lenses.
"i was like whats up guys" and gave them a smile.
hey if they are taking pics of me i want to look good is that a crime too?
they didnt even seem phazed that i walked right up to them. their expressions didnt change.
i was like whoa these are some serious dudes, and got a bit scared, then i realized that they have absolutly nothing on me. ha fucking pigs, come and find me now fuckers.

killed softly at 7/22/2004 12:18:00 PM

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Today i am stressed to the max. i really really hate doing things last minute.
last night, was suppost to be my final party, then some people did something gay, and i had to go home cause i was in such a bad mood.
Today i have to pick up my plane tix, pack, run around say some selective goodbyes, then i am off on an adventure, one to change and shape me as a human being.
i dont know when i will be back, but i hope it isnt that long.
I am going to stay with an actor friend who is cool as shit. he lives in the east end of town, junkies and bums everywhere.
sounds like i will fit in just great.
ill probably only go for a week or 2, unless i find a job, then i will fucking rock it there for a bit.
but lets be serious for a minute, like i am going out there too look for a job, unless something really really worth my while slaps me in the face, ill be commin back to toronto faster then u can say ....umm... fast.
i am going to shave today, maybe shower. but who really knows, i cant be held to ne plans right now.
fuck i hate days like these.

killed softly at 7/22/2004 11:31:00 AM

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

"you dont pay a prostitute to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards"



i have never fucked a hooker. but some of my friends love to do it.
i dont see the thrill it might have something to do with the risk of contracting some fucked up STD, that just doesnt attract me.
im sure, if i met on at the bar and didnt know she was one i would most likely do her.
so i am lost.

killed softly at 7/21/2004 06:55:00 PM

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well shit.
gsusking

killed softly at 7/21/2004 06:39:00 PM

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all night msn convo's are becoming more and more entertaining.
msn truth or dare, is the new game sweeping the nation.

killed softly at 7/21/2004 12:37:00 PM

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I stumbled upon this site yesterday, i think i linked it from stolenswan who is also a canadian blogger.

ok back to the killbunnie23, go and read that site, its really well set up with loads of cool pictures, her journal is good, but her about me section is breath taking.
she seems really cool, so i had to link the site.
she even wrote me a response email, something i totally wasnt expecting,
ok i am getting side tracked.
whatever her site is good, just go and hit it up.

killed softly at 7/21/2004 11:37:00 AM

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

ya this is me trying to make a pipe while i am on a fair amount of tequila shots.
gsusking

killed softly at 7/20/2004 11:28:00 PM

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All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

John Denver says it better then i ever could.

killed softly at 7/20/2004 08:06:00 PM

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not the most flatering picture of me, but hey i am going to post it ne way. i really like this blog bot thing, very convieniant
gsusking

killed softly at 7/20/2004 07:30:00 PM

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this is me when i am trying to win the mr, club bannana pageant in mexico 

killed softly at 7/20/2004 07:27:00 PM

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this is another good pic that i took in mexico, 

killed softly at 7/20/2004 07:25:00 PM

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welcome to the jungle.

the sun has been dismissed.
things are fucked ip right now, my stomach hurts like no other, i puked all day.
i tried to eat but i had to totally force that shit down, i went to the duck and firkin and had a spicy chicken on a bun, it was good. but i totally had to force that shit down.

so far only one of my finger nails has fallen victem to my teeth so far, i know the rest are to follow soon, once 1 is gone they all follow. fuck i made it so long with out doing it.
goddamnit i suck

killed softly at 7/20/2004 05:13:00 PM

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anywhere between, 24-72 hours from now i will be relocated to.
www.gsusking.com
yeah i have my own domain now, whats it to ya?

killed softly at 7/20/2004 03:02:00 PM

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This is the end of that.
i am so fucked up right now, i have am leaving the country,
i will try to update as much as possible.
i am sorry to you all , to everyone i have ever hurt, or helped kill.
Raymi, i am especially sorry to you, i never wanted anything like that to ever happen to you.
i am so fucking worried about you its unreal.
i wish you the best in life, and hope that you are ok. i am done like dinner yo.

killed softly at 7/20/2004 09:24:00 AM

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From : Brendan W
Sent : July 20, 2004 1:22:20 AM
To :
Subject : ******, do you have any disco biscuits for Brendan @ Western 3day rave



what next weekend holds in store for me. god only knows

killed softly at 7/20/2004 01:25:00 AM

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Monday, July 19, 2004

I found this on Jeremy's site, man he makes me laugh, thanks for puttin all those links to funny flash stuff. And giving me something too read.

my hands are so ugly, they look like lil bricks on sticks, i am so selfconcious of them.
they are all fucked up from breaking them, and have scars all over them fighting, nails chewed off, cuticules overgrown. They discust me. I have two fistfulls of big gold and diamond rings. i would use them to distract people from the uglyness of the fingers the bore them.
They arent a scary as i describe, its just something that i hate about myself.



today, i want to hang out with 10.000 people.
i want to see everyone, all at once or one at a time.
my dad is here today. he said like one of his long lost cousins from italy is here and he wants to meet me and shit, i am like ugnnn, strange. but it would be good i guess, since i have no family left.


i need to change the tepmplate of the blog, i am bored again

killed softly at 7/19/2004 12:48:00 PM

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i have a feeling that today is going to be another lack luster day.
last night i had a drunk friend arrive at my house at around 7 pm, she was soo fucked up. Couldn't walk and could only cry. She came in puked from 7-8, then passed out in my bed from 8-1 am. i feel bad for drunks, they never know what is going on, and to tell u the truth i hate them when i am not drunk, so annoying.
i was well distracted on msn and wasn't really taking care of her.
if she puked in my bed i would have blamed it on you.
I have never talked to someone for that long in my life, not on the phone or in person, it was strange, what seemed like 5 mins was 4 hours.
it was really official. She kept my ass entertained, which is no easy task, i am a big add case, always running around, smelling stuff, throwing stuff at stupid hipsters in ginos pizza.
hmmm,,, what pic to put up..... Ok this one.

That is me, when i am trying to get drunk in Mexico, i didn't succeed, my life sucked there, don't get me wrong, one aspect of the trip was good. But everything else sucked, the food, the hotel, the service, the help. Just about everything sucked.

I am the hero of bad timing. I don't know when i am going to stop coming back. i guess when there is nothing left to go back for.

killed softly at 7/19/2004 11:44:00 AM

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Sunday, July 18, 2004

This is me in Mexico, i am so hot when this picture was taken, i was dying, i think it was around 100 degrees F. Which to me is far to hot to be wandering the streets looking for cool shit to take pictures of.
Instead i just took a few of myself.
IM so cool, yes its official.

killed softly at 7/18/2004 11:21:00 PM

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God I hat hipsters. I m sitting in this pizza joint with jaime trying 2
enjoy my slice, and these fucking annoying hipsters won't shut up about
vanila coke. God kill me now
tonytheallnightpony

killed softly at 7/18/2004 04:26:00 PM

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i am about to watch city of god, its late and i hope that i can keep my eyes open during it.
and on that note i am never eating tacos again, they have raped my stomach with out even a kiss. fuck u tacos.

killed softly at 7/18/2004 02:07:00 AM

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Saturday, July 17, 2004

Things are very surreal tonite. I'm on the highway driving around doing
nothing. I am heading into hess village this evening hopefully 2 have a
good time. I'm bored of this style of life. Thing were good today.
Good as in better then normal. Tonite will be the first time I get
drunk in a while. It will also be the first time that I am going
single. Its so strange 2 be alone. My mom was all wasted 2nite and I
ate like 10 tacos that my bro made. They are starting to fuck with me. O
goodness, wish me luck tonite.
tonytheallnightpony

killed softly at 7/17/2004 09:48:00 PM

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today on my adventure, i met a stripper. it was fucked up, she came
outta no where with this you look like ben afflec shit. i thought that
i had totally gone off the deep end and was halucinating.

she kept showing me her pussy and wanted me to fuck her. tried taking
off my clothing and shit like that. but i was like listen up stripper
chick, i will sit here and talk to u for a bit, but u gotta keep ur
hands off me.

i tried to get a hold of Anti for the aud blog number cause i didnt have it with me. she was talking all this crazy shit how she wanted me to come with her to get $10000 from some bank robber who raped her.
she was like we need lots of ammo, i was like ugh ok.?
she got naked and i wont lie, was really attractive, she was no more then 20 years old.
i felt really sorry for her and spend a good hour with her talking and trying to get her to calm down.
she sprayed this shit on me, stress releif shit. made me feel better.
i was worried about her, she named of like 200 pills that she needs to take, and told me she had not taken them in 2 days. i felt really sorry for her and offered her money so she could take a cab home. god strippers are fucked up.
i swear, i have a homming beacon under my skin that sends a signal to every fucked up person on the earth and draws them towards me.

killed softly at 7/17/2004 05:50:00 PM

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fuck i am mad today. fucking really pissed.

i honestly dont understand people some days. i have done nothing to fucking deserve this .

i wait and look forward to something and just as it is in my sights, its flushed, gone is a swirl of fucking shitty water.

this time i am not reaching into the tolliet after it.

killed softly at 7/17/2004 12:04:00 PM

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Friday, July 16, 2004

I have found a new hobby that is going to replace my previous nail bitting hobby.
i fucking have found a new love for going to hot or not and just giving people 1's to throw off their score and take a shot at their self-confidence.
yeah im a bitter sob. whats it to ya?

killed softly at 7/16/2004 02:53:00 PM

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i look like am friggin 12 in this picture.

killed softly at 7/16/2004 02:32:00 PM

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Yet another friday.
today is friday obviously, and i really dont like them that much at all.
BUUUUTTTTTTTT
i have a good feeling that tonite will be different, i have some good and solid plans with an old friend, it will be good to spend some time with her.
i would be lying if i said i havent missed her these past few months, its strange what comes outta the woodwork, just when you think you are totally down and out.





That is a picture of me walking away, turning my back on everything. Fuck people who dont deserve me, fuck anyone who has ever been rude to me, fuck all the time i have wasted on ignorant people, fuck all crackheads that call my house all hours of the night, fuck the cop who keeps driving past my house, fuck everyone who isnt lazy, fuck everyone who has a job, fuck everyone who doent know me but already hates me, and most of all fuck fighting, i am finished.

killed softly at 7/16/2004 02:20:00 PM

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Ok as of today, i am going to make this site way less depressing, i have to myself snap outta this shit, i am researching europe on the internet today. but i have such bad add i cant help but going to play flash games.
god i love flash games.
I am this ___ close to losing it. I fucking just want to forget everything about the last 6 months, eternal happiness for the spotless mind.
i wish that shit actually existed, i would be in there in 2 minutes.

Gah my stomach is slowy digesting itself, as i slim to nothing. my mind races, faster and faster until it just stops. then i feel like shit. i hate being used to something, so comfortable with something, and then its just gone. and no i am talking about her.
i am talking about my life in general. everything is going to be changing from this point forward, mark my words loyal readers. You will all see. things are going to be better.
"i m going to make it after all"
i am a loser. and am to lazy to upload any pictures.
well maybe just one.



This is a pic of the chick that beat my ass in backgammon everytime.
she has a cute lil store in Play De Carmen, on 5th ave, go in and challenge her.

killed softly at 7/16/2004 11:21:00 AM

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the feeling of guilt is starting to overwhelm me.
i help people kill themselves each and everyday.
on that note, sweet dreams all.

killed softly at 7/16/2004 03:44:00 AM

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Thursday, July 15, 2004

EVERYONE CLICK THIS
that is honestly one of the funniest things i have ever read, it will make u feel better about ur self to hear these people ripping on this susan character. I know that sounds shallow of me to say, but honestly the insults are so amusing i might go back and read it again right now.

killed softly at 7/15/2004 11:46:00 PM

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this is lame, i wanted to go and see napolean dynomite tonite, but of course, i am not going to see it.
i fucking hate waiting around for people that dont show up, like i dont have other shit i could be doing, other plans i could have made, fucking people sometimes.
not showing up is almost as bad as cancelling on someone last minute. because when u cancel shit last minute, it totally removes all hope that u are comming at some point.
see if u just dont show up with out canceling last minute, the people at least have a faint feeling of knowing that u are en route.

killed softly at 7/15/2004 09:40:00 PM

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Here are some cool artsy fartsy pics i took in mexico.
for some reason they all have to do with the bible, so sue me.

killed softly at 7/15/2004 04:11:00 PM

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Had an interesting run in with this chick one night at laurens house, o god thoses were wasted times.
i found her site through here, MSN Search i was linked from that search, and was curious about other people linked on it, turns out i have met one.
go check her site, kept me entertained.

killed softly at 7/15/2004 03:57:00 PM

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i have finnally uploaded the pics to my computer. fucking right i will have a bunch up soon.

killed softly at 7/15/2004 02:44:00 PM

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Why is it that when everything u think is going to shit, then boom, u find internal happiness. Don't get me wrong here, i am glad i am feeling better. Not 100%. But i was really getting used to feeling like shit. Things seem to be going in the right way for me tonite, old friends must have telepathically felt my pain and come through, had a great convo with my friend in china fucking right dude! Any one want some LV, and Gucci purses and wallets?. The past few months were like mega karma payback. I live by karma, cant mess with that stuff, honestly its a true thing, thank zen Buddhism.
i am remembering my dreams, they are fucking vivid, i guess that has to do with them only being nightmares.
you see i used to remember all my dreams when i was a kid, but they were almost always nightmares, i would situp and talk in my sleep and shit. If i was my parents i would have thought that i was possessed.
but ne way back to the dream thing. soo all the dreams i had were nightmares, and it really started to fuck with me, it made me very anxious at a very early age, and most of them were the same dream over and over, damn vampires trying to kill my brother, in my head i can still see those fuckers, damn them. fucking 7 year old anxiety case.
but then one day, after i got my tonsils out, not the day of. i find it hard to remember things that far back, so i just associate it with something that big that happened around the same time.
So suddenly no more nightmares, i become a terror case, a bad kid, always talking blah blah blah, was not so withdrawn from the other children.
it was different growing up as me.
My parents were both, um, 'new' to parenting, and were both real estate agents, i swear after my first day of school, it felt like we were moving everyother week, like there was not even a point in unpacking. i am 22 years old and have moved 23 times. That is fucked, and the house i am in now i have lived at since i was 12. i have left and come back here a few times.
I get so fucking side tracked i wonder how hard this is to follow, are u all still with me?
so moving as much as i did, i became good at making friends, but it always sucked cause i knew they would never last, i don t have any friends that i can say i have known my whole life, i cant even say for half of my life. So i have never once felt awkward, in social situations where i don't know anyone. I can walk into a room and make it a point to meet every person in that room, and have them like before i am out the door. Even if i hit on half their girl friends, that's just how i roll.
True friends are hard to come by, and when u realize this, your life will become richer.

killed softly at 7/14/2004 11:15:00 PM

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today in oakville was cold and wet. the air was so damp it almost made it hard to breath,
i have the ever growing feeling inside myself, makes me want to party giver hard forget everything that has gone wrong.
i am trying to stop smoking, but it is next to impossible.
old spider man cartoon is on tv, its fucking awesome, its the first eppisode, honestly who need spider man 2 when u got the old cartoon.
all the old cartoons kick ass, the old X-men from fox saturday morning, the old hercules with that lil newt dude, ne one of them blow all new cartoons so far off the ink cell.
that raises the question, why cant things just be like how they used to yo?
i sometimes think i was ment to grow up in the 50's to be like a greaser, or a slickster, like rusty james from rumble fish.
he is my idol, didnt let shit bother him, its a really good movie i think u should all go out and rent it. Rumble Fish.
i am finding funny things difficult to laugh at, i am having a hard time understanding my feelings.
i havent watched south park in a really long time. i am going through withdrawl, i havent showered in a few days, i dont know why. just have no energy to even leave my house is a struggle.
i like to hide when i feel like this, i dont like it when my friends see me upset, i try to be strong, i am a man and i am mature, but some people are not considerate on others feelings.
i think i should goto europe, it will make me foreget everything, i would love to go there, fucking party run around, terorize europeans till i am banned from the whole continent.
ya watch out europe here i come.
i have a big box of brownies and i am going to gorge on them like a machine.
i want to go bowling, i would love to throw some balls, it has been a while, i dont have ne one that would go with me though.
i am going camping soon with a bunch of friends, we are going to elora such a cool place to party and relax.
i love camping and drinking, cooking food on the fire, there is nothing like it, everything about u smells of smoke for a week, its a calming experience.
my lungs are black and purple from all the cigs that i power puff everyday, the must hate me so much. i am afraid oneday i am going to wake up and there is going to be a note like from my lungs like:

"dear angelo,
look dude we have been with you for like 22 years, but u just fuck us over more and more each day, we have asthma, yet u still smoke, do u need us to fucking slap some sense into your ass, we are fed up and we be out. have a good day. your lungs"

killed softly at 7/14/2004 08:10:00 PM

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Now this site is what i am talking about. a good, interesting, funny in a ironic way. read it. this is now one of my faves sites i have ever seen.
good luck too u kristiwithak.

killed softly at 7/14/2004 10:47:00 AM

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"bravery is a man coming home, smelling of perfume and booze, walking up to his wife slapping her on the ass and saying 'you are next'"

killed softly at 7/14/2004 02:06:00 AM

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i am starting to lose compleate insparation with this whole blog thing.
i have nothing to write about, its like whenever i open this blog window, my mind goes blank.
here i sit, trying to think about something to entertain you, you and you.
but there is just nothing there, my mind is filled with tequila, and constant thoughts of her.

i love when i get comments from people who have never been here b4, or have never commented b4, it opens up a new world to me, leave a comment with your url. give a bored, emo boy something to do.

thanks
and to all a good nite/

killed softly at 7/14/2004 01:54:00 AM

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

goddamnit.
i need to fucking usb cord to up load the pics from mexico.
it would be nice if i could get my hands on the precious cord.
i am going out with kat tonite, hopefully she will better my mood, she does have that effect on me.

killed softly at 7/13/2004 08:29:00 PM

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Shisha is the new everything.
i am going to quit smoking everything else, cept pot, do basically i am going to quit smoking cigs.
awesome.

killed softly at 7/13/2004 03:48:00 PM

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This is the girl in high school that u always wanted to talk to but never did.
Like she was poison ivy, you can look but not touch.
she was a solo flyer, had a tight group of impenetrable friends.
i talked to her the first time today on msn, she is really nice.
she has just won the miss molson Indy pageant, so that means she is pretty also.
check out her site.

killed softly at 7/13/2004 12:34:00 PM

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Last night was boring i sat on my front porch all night, sitting thinking. Then i decided to watch The Last Samurai with tom cruise, it was really cool story, but i fell asleep.
i dont remember my dreams from last night.
my stomach is bothering me a bit.
im going to try to watch another movie right now.
i have a feeling that this is what my life is going to become.
im going to slip into another depression like in nov. dec. where i sat and did nothing but watch movies and smoke pot.
i dont want that, but u cant fight what is ment to happen.
these posts are so boring.
i sneeze like a mouse.
i want to take another vacation already, being home made me feel sick yesterday.
i cant stop thinking about mexico and the semi-fun that i had there.
my mom eats like 20 pills aday, i will never become like that.

when u drink pepermint tea, think of me.

killed softly at 7/13/2004 07:28:00 AM

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Monday, July 12, 2004

this is me on front porch. im such a loser, today i have done nothing. i want to be back in mexico.
it was amazing, well not amazing but things were nice there.
blabh

killed softly at 7/12/2004 07:33:00 PM

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from journal in Mexico



2 pm july 11/04

its my last day in mexico and it is turning out to be the worst.
i checked my email, and went on msn.
i had not one personal email and no one talked to me on msn.
I am a loser. i dont want to go home where i am not even missed.

we totally ended it today cause i knew that she was no longer true to me. she has compleatly stomped on my heart. I thought that this trip would save our relationship
i love her :)
when i get home its time for a new me.

There is a lil mexican who gave some people the wrong directions to the beach. we laughed together, it was the best i had felt in a while.
i wonder how Carla is doing. She is so sweet to me. God what is wrong with me. I should be happy. I AM FREE.
My mexican gypsy friend who kicked my ass in backgammon is no where to be found
i wanted a picture of her. But o well. i going to get a beer.

2:30 pm July 11 04

I walked to the beach to find raymi right behind me. I feel uncomfortable around her so i left. i came to get a coffee at this lil cute shop espresso how i needed you.

the coffee in my hotel was to dark and to shitty to drink

i was thinking of my nonno and nonna last night and how every sunday at our traditional italian lunch it was always my job to make the espresso what i would give too see them both once more. Rocco told me how his father dies on christmas 2002 it made me so dad. i wonder how my dad is doing
i have been writing non stop all day
the hotel is trying to fuck me outta some money for long distance calls i have to go there and deal with it after my coffee.

killed softly at 7/12/2004 12:20:00 PM

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today i found out that there is no federal law against selling babies in the USA.
In new york state it is a misdemenor if u sell a baby for less then 5000 dollars.
i know what my new job is going to be, i am going to breed babies and sell them.

killed softly at 7/12/2004 12:01:00 PM

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This is what the perfect sunset looks like in playa de carmen.
fucking mean people in raymi's comments.
some people i tell ya.

killed softly at 7/12/2004 04:40:00 AM

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Sunday, July 04, 2004

Im going to mexico instead of panama
no one ever buy a flight from flight center, i am starting a boycott, and im going to protest in front of their store, whos with me?

killed softly at 7/04/2004 11:08:00 AM

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Saturday, July 03, 2004

im not in panama, shhh dont tell ne one

killed softly at 7/03/2004 06:35:00 PM

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Its 1 am. i still have not packed. And to tell u the truth i don't think i am going to. IM just going to bring an empty suitcase, and when they ask me if i packed it myself i am going to say,
"no. i didn't pack it. There is nothing in it."
bet that will throw those airport assholes for a loop. Make them work for that extra goddamn airport tax that they are charging me.
so its 10 hours till my flight, 15 hours till i land. And 17 hours till i sleep in my hotel bed.
Panama is going to kick ass.
there will be no weed brought, so i might come back a changed man.
i will always be a pot head, and i don't know how i am going to handle going a week with out it.
I don't think i will even try to score any while i am there, like i need to visit jail in central America.
I am more worried about raymi she is a crazy woman when she doesn't get her 'medicine'.
No matter how much she bugs me i am not going to ask any one for any pot. fuck that shit.
i might get really wasted and venture off into the jungle.
i want to meet some guerrillas and teach them some English in exchange for them taking me under their wing, i will become the white savior of the Panamanian people.

killed softly at 7/03/2004 01:03:00 AM

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Friday, July 02, 2004

Here are some more audio posts from inside a federal Pen.
im going to make this a weekly thing until he gets out, this is the most contact he has had with the outside world in almost 2 years, so for all you writers out there, write him a letter, dont matter if u are a guy or girl, but if u like to write just scribble somthing down for him, it will really help him in his time of need.

killed softly at 7/02/2004 05:30:00 PM

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Today I awoke from a disturbing dream. A dream that was so bad I don't want to mention it here.
I called raymi b4 i even opened my eyes to make sure she was ok. She wasn't there.
the dream made me think. i got outta bed put on some pants and walked out the door. i walked through the forest to get to the plaza.
i was planning on making a surprize basket for raymi, i was gonna get her some shampoo and conditioner, some cream, massage oil, some fireworks, and a journal so she could document our trip to panama.
when i got to the pharmacy i was relieved to see her, knowin that she was ok, she seemed really happy to see me too.
i kissed her and i walked out the door and didn't even buy anything, i don't know what was wrong with me then, i should have stayed and shopped with her, i should have said hello to her dad, but the thing is i was too afraid, to afraid of what i don't know.
i came home and she was on the phone. Yelling at me for being as rude to her as i was, i admit it was rude to just leave like that, but i don't know what was happening it felt like a dream, like nothing saw was real. Am i dreaming now? Is this for real?



i picked up the news paper, and not to sound paranoid, i read about Saddam, i cant believe they are showing video of his trial. Its stupid, he is there with no lawyer to speak for him. He is most likely sending out code through his actions or words, to his minions telling them when to strike and how, GW, get a brain and take that shit off the airways, am i the only person that is seeing this, am i totally bonkers?

killed softly at 7/02/2004 04:08:00 PM

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

"I am a pathalogical liar, and can not be trusted. So all of this can be as fake as it is real."
GSUSKING

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